Sunday, 12 April 2015

I finally like my boobs! And no, it's not because they are bigger.

I've always had small boobs. It's just the way I'm built. If I put on weight the last place it goes is onto my boobs and it's the first place it leaves when I lose weight. From the waist up I'm quite scrawny and skinny...from the waist down I'm rather curvy. An English Pear. 
Dresses don't fit me because they are made for someone either with bigger breasts or smaller behinds. Only M&S stock my bra size (my rib cage is super small) and only in a few selected styles all of which are the dull kind.
I don't wear padded bras because I don't want to. I find them uncomfortable and make me a strange shape.
I often look in the mirror and see someone who is very out of proportion. Either my boobs should be bigger to counter my massive bottom or my bottom should be smaller to match my little chest. Think of if you will Keira Knightly's top half and Jennifer Lopez's bottom half.

Ever since puberty I've had people tell me I'm flat chested. Like somehow because of my little boobs I am less of a woman. That I lack femininity and it's ok to be rude to my face about it.
I worked in a pub in my late teens and early twenties. I lost count of the number of times people commented on my chest: drunken men told me I'd be "all right looking if you had a pair of tits" or an inebriated woman told me I was a "flat chested bitch" because I had the audacity to make her wait her turn to get served.
Even friends playfully jibed me..."you'll have to wear chicken fillets to fill out the outfit" and other such flippant remarks.
I was told by a dear friend that I had "absolutely nothing there. I don't know why you bother wearing a bra".
Young men in the swimming pool sniggering, I heard one call me the "ugly boobless friend". 
A work colleague once told me out of the blue that I had a massive bum to which I was speechless. She then proceeded to recommend to me that I get a boob job to balance me out. Hmmm. Thanks for that.
And most recently someone said to Baby D whilst I was there "isn't it horrible cuddling up to your mummy's bony chest?" This one hurt.
I could go on.

But, being small has its perks - pun intended. Never once have a had a man find me attractive because of my boobs. The men who think that a sizeable pair is important would never be drawn to me. I therefore generally only ever had boyfriends who liked me for who I am...or possibly my curvy derrière. My wonderful husband couldn't care less about the size of my boobies. He loves me for me. Like Mark Darcy said to Bridget Jones (sorry, guilty pleasure alert!!!) "I like you just the way you are".
I've never had anyone talk to my chest. Only about the lack of it.
I don't experience pain when I run. If I ever run...which I don't.
I don't get back pain or find it uncomfortable to lie down.

And of course the media don't really help with all these perfect women all over the place. They are always skinny with huge bosoms or skinny all over. Never like me.

So as a result I've never really liked my boobs. I wear high cut tops to try to hide them and am seldom seen in a bikini by anyone other than my family.
I made peace with them when I finally realised that my husband loves me no matter what my size. And with age I've learned that other people's opinions really don't matter.
But, it's having Baby D that has really been the game changer.
I'm a breastfeeder. Nearly 9 months in we are still going strong and she is growing well. My boobs nourish her, regulate her temperature and even help fight bugs. If she's upset or over tired they will comfort her. As if by magic they know how much milk to produce and what nutrients she needs. 
They get bigger when they are full, but the untrained eye wouldn't notice at all.
Finally my boobs are doing what they were designed to do! It's like a revelation to me.  They are being put to amazing use. I am now incredibly proud of my little halfway fruits. I never thought I could be so happy about my body. It's bloody brilliant.

Dawn x

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